How 'parts' work helps us in relationships...3 minutes

Richard Schwartz talks about IFS parts work in couples therapy.

Video Transcript

As it relates to working with couples, the idea is that over time we all accumulate beliefs and emotions that interfere in our relationships. IFS is a way to help people focus inside and find those which are often attached to what we call parts or sub-personalities of us. It helps people identify the parts of them that get in the way of getting close to each other and staying close to each other. In identifying these parts and separating from them, it releases what we call the Self of a person, which is more like a soul inside of everybody. In that state, when people can speak to each other from their Self, they can solve their own problems. The goal is really to help people hold this Self-to-Self connection while they're trying to work on their relationship. In the process, they find the parts that jump in to protect them. Most of the time, these are parts of us that feel like we're going to get hurt or run over if they don't come in and speak for us. Now, one of the pluses, it seemed to me, was the way that they learned how their part set off another part in their partner, right? And that's again some of the tracking I'll do, is helping them realize that it's really just a battle between these little protectors of each person that is causing all the trouble.

The part that had the affair that Dennis had, that really seemed to bring about a very emotional response for me.

Yeah, and that's natural. I mean, it was a huge betrayal for her, and every time we talk about it, that part of her is going to get triggered. And I think that there are times where I'm not sensitive enough to how painful it is to think about and hear about, and that I kind of gloss over that in future sessions and, to some degree, in this session too. Is it okay to leave her alone until the next session with all of that anger that she has?

I didn't have much choice because the session was coming to a close when it came up again, and all one can do in that situation is trust that I did establish enough of a connection and my Self was present enough that she's willing to give it another try. Did you wonder whether the affair was really over?

Actually, I didn't think that it had continued. And part of it was because Dennis did seem so remorseful and so afraid of losing her that I had a sense it was over. But you never really know.