Understanding protectors...IFS with Connor McMillen (10 minutes)

Understanding your inner protective system...

Video Transcript

Talking about protectors. So within the Internal Family Systems model, there are two types of parts or sub-personalities. One is exiles, and the other is protectors. And within protectors, there are two types: there are managers and there are firefighters. We're going to talk a little bit about what protectors do for the system. We're going to talk a little bit about the difference between managers and firefighters. We're going to talk about how sometimes they are in conflict, and we're going to talk about how important it is to get to know them and how you can go about doing that.

Protectors, in general, are doing exactly what the name implies—they are trying to protect our system. And they do that by keeping exiles down or hidden or trapped or encased, because exiles hold on to deep wounds or trauma that we have endured throughout our life. And when those exiles get triggered, we can feel that trauma again, we can relive that experience. So the job of the protectors is to keep those feelings, that trauma, from disrupting the system, from overwhelming us.

So there are two different types of protector managers, and there are two different ways that these protectors decide to take care of us in that way. There are managers and there are firefighters. Let's talk a little bit about managers. Managers generally run our day-to-day operations. They think about the present moment, of taking care of us. They also think about the long term, the sustainable tomorrow, the day after that, the day after that. And they have a plan set up that they're trying to follow through with. If this happens, we'll do this. If this happens, we'll do this.

There are a number of manager protectors, and everyone has different protectors. I'm thinking of one of my clients who has a manager part called "Superwoman." And this part manages her system when she needs to go to work, or needs to pick up the kids, or needs to go to the gym. And when she's got other parts coming up, this part can step in and say, "I've got this! To the rescue, Superwoman!" And shut everything else down and go do what she needs to do. Managers generally are very helpful parts of our system. They might have their flaws and their idiosyncrasies and things that maybe other parts aren't happy with, but in general, they do a great job keeping us alive. Because here we are.

Firefighters have a little bit of a different flavor than managers. Firefighters don't think about the long term, they don't think about the sustainable, and they don't think about the outcome of their actions. Their whole role, just like the name implies, is to put out that fire. And the fire being, we're getting close to an exile, we're getting close to feeling or reliving trauma, we need to shut this down, we need to put out that fire. So firefighters will do anything they can to put out that fire.

One example of a firefighter could be a part that drinks too much, that drinks in excess or does drugs in excess. And this part is feeling like we're getting really too close to reliving trauma, we're getting too close to this exile, and I'm going to bring up this overwhelming desire to use and to search out drugs and alcohol in order to put out that fire.

You can see that both managers and firefighters are trying to protect the system by keeping trauma hidden, keeping exiles away, keeping us safe from reliving that trauma. And they do that in different ways because managers think about the future, they think about sustainability, they are running the show in the day-to-day. They generally don't like it when firefighters come in and put out fires. They feel like the firefighters have disrupted their plan and have set them back or done something wrong.

So what will often happen is we develop polarizations between manager parts and firefighter parts. Because managers are in control of the day-to-day, they have a plan set in place, they're thinking about the future, and firefighters really don't. Their role is to come in and take care of something right that second. And there might be consequences to those sudden actions. To use the example of that firefighter part that drinks to excess, in a system where that exists, there's often a manager part that acts as a critic. And after the firefighter comes in and puts out the fire, which is the action of drinking to excess, there's this critic that comes in and shames or tries to shame and attack the firefighter and says, "You did something wrong. Why did you do that? You messed up the plan. You're not taking care of us. You're not good."

And in retaliation, the firefighter says, "I don't care. I'm gonna do it anyway. I do what I want. I'm in control of myself. Just one drink isn't a big deal." And so we set up this polarization, this sort of fight between these two really big parts of our system. And then we have this other part which is always existing in polarization, we have this third part that's trying to listen to them both at the same time and determine which one we should actually allow to be active at that moment. So this is a really, really difficult pattern that exists between managers and firefighters that are in polarizations.

Protectors are incredibly vital parts of our system. We absolutely need them to survive, and they have been created for us, by us, for us, to keep us alive. And if they can keep us alive, then they'll allow us to thrive. And oftentimes, what happens is we just get stuck in these polarizations and we don't understand why. We also might be acting in ways that other parts of our system just don't want to be acting or that don't feel good for the long term, that aren't really sustainable. Maybe your Superwoman part doesn't allow you to feel as much as you would like to feel. Maybe your excessive drinking firefighter part gets you into trouble, has gotten you a DUI. You know, these parts, while they are there to protect us and their intention is to keep us safe, they don't always have the full picture. And they really could use your help.

So, how we get to know these absolutely vital and crucial and important parts of our system is to sit down with them, to spend some time connecting with them, and to hear their story. In our very first session, what I do with my clients is hear from them and start writing down the parts that I notice. Most often, it will be protector, protector, protector, protector, and it will be a good mix of managers and firefighters. And I will reflect that back to them, and then I will give them a homework assignment and I'll say, "Go and find out those active parts of your system, the most active parts of your system that you can recognize. Give them a name. Find out where they come up in your body. Find out what they look like. Find out what job they play. Find out what they do, what is their action, what is their role in your life. And then, how do you feel about them?"

And what we're searching for is to develop an understanding, a framework of our protectors. We have to do that in order to get a little deeper into those exiled parts that are holding on to trauma, that absolutely need us to heal them. And we can't get to those exiles until we deal with and love and have compassion for our protectors. And it's my belief, and what I've seen again and again and again, is that once we get to know our protectors, it's really easy to love them. It's really easy to love them. And what we also find out, more often than not, is that protectors, while they are doing a job, they don't generally want to be doing.