Doing Parts work with Derek Scott (#3 of 3 videos)

Helpful demo of parts work. Third in series of three.

Video Transcript

Yeah, she's really, she's really angry with him. She's telling the boys, "Bullshitting with dolls." But what would dad say? If he knew, what would he say? He'd be so disappointed. She's asking him how he could do such a thing. She's saying that she's very, very disappointed in him. She can't believe that he could do this. And he's, though he's so upset, he's screaming. He's screaming to her that he's sorry. Just screaming. But she won't believe him. She won't turn. He's asking for a hug, and she's, she's just pushing her hand out to reject. Oh, he's so, he feels crushed, Jessica. He feels so bad. He's upset his mom, and he feels terrible about that. Feels like he's a really, really bad kid. He's just, he's holding himself, and he's crying. He's rocking. He's just inconsolable. That's awful.

Okay, it is. Does this young boy part know that you're there? Yeah, I know he knows. He knows I'm here with him. There was someone happy. Ask him if he'd be interested in letting go of his unhappiness if it was possible. He says, yeah, yeah, he would really like to do that. Yeah, so he's holding a lot. Just check with him to make sure that he's told you everything he has. Okay, that's great.

All right, so now we can help him out. We can help him to get out of that. You get it, right? You get everything he's told you? Good, good. All right, lovely. Let's just check before we get him out of there. Are there any you can invite exiles to release their burdens to Light, any of the elements, or anything else they choose, send it away to earth or fire or air or water or light, or something else. But he's gonna send it away in such a way that it'll never come back to him. Okay, it's just inviting him to do that. Fire, fire, he says. If it's burned, it can never come back. So he's building a big fire to put them all in. Great, yes. But they no longer exist. Okay, okay, that's a big fire. Okay, everything's burning, turning to ash, blowing away. That's great. Now ask him what he'd like to take in to himself that will help him move into the future, hopeful that he's released these burdens he's been holding. Well, he says, love for himself. He's just taking a big breath to fill up his whole body with that. And now playfulness, he wants to be playful. And confidence. Okay, okay. He's showing me that he's skipping, which he loves to do, and it's okay for him to do it. Doesn't mean he's a girl. That sounds like he's doing great.

Why would he like to settle now in your system? He says, in my heart. He wants to live in my heart, must remind me to be playful. Those kids, okay? That okay with you, that he settles? Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. All right, sounds like he's doing okay. So let him know that for now you're gonna withdraw the focused attention from him and just bring your attention back to your system.

What I'd like you to do is issue an invitation to any old parts that have ever known about this kid, to notice that he's not there anymore, he's not stuck back where he was. He's in a very different place. And see if there are any comments or concerns from any parts of the system about the work you've done today.

No, they all seem pretty good, actually. All right, so bring your attention back to your boyfriend saying he doesn't want to go to your mother's birthday celebration and to the fight that you had. Okay, what parts do you notice now?

Well, I don't know. I think he's got every right to feel his feelings, I think. Let's suggest to both of them that we go every other year, so they both get their say. He should be okay with that. She might get a bit unhappy, but she'll come around. And that feels okay now, yeah, yeah. That feels right. Yeah, thank you.

Notice how this session started with a complaint about your partner, but that was just the trigger for the internal work. And this is the value of the Internal Family Systems model for couples as well. When your partner has triggered something in you, the work actually goes back within your own system and that has very little to do with what's going on with your partner. And when you're able to do that healing work with a part of you that's been affected, your relationship with your partner will become also more harmonious.

Now, some people's systems do not want to open to this work. There seems to be some resistance or psychological resistance about it, and that's okay. If your system doesn't want to open through this, it doesn't want to open to this, that's fine. This work is also more complex if you have a highly polarized system. So if you're working with addiction or you've got an addicted part and then a critical manager part that's become polarized with them, that may be something that you need more help with. If you've experienced trauma in your life, again, it's going to be very difficult for your system to open up. So the invitation there is to see if you can spend a couple of sessions with an IFS therapist just to begin to see what becomes possible for you.

Often, people have impatient parts. They want to get this done, they want to get it done faster. And when you're working with your system, you're really working with a team. So that impatient part is like, "I want to climb the hill and put the flag on the top." Then that's great, however, because it's a team, there's also parts that have their thumbs in the ground, looking at the hill thinking, "I don't want to go up that hill." And you've got to work with the whole team, the whole system.

When you're working, parts often like to be spoken for once they know that you're around. And so I've set up a Facebook page, which is "Me and My Parts." If you want to talk to other people or post information about the parts that you're working with, that's a good place to do it. You can email from a part, you could journal to and from parts. There's various ways you can work with your parts.

There's a handout that accompanies this video, and it's available on my website's blog page and on the Facebook page I have, "Ask Me and My Parts." It's called "Exploring the Self." If you get stuck, consider one or two sessions with an IFS therapist. The nice thing about this work is you don't need to commit to years and years of therapy. You can, many people do, and it's very helpful. You can also contact two or three sessions with a therapist to work on a specific part or issue. You can work with me if I'm available, you can contact the Center for Self-Leadership, and they have IFS therapists they can recommend, or I could recommend somebody for you.

Finally, a part of me would like to hear your feedback. Yeah, so if you found this video helpful, I'd appreciate it if you could post a comment on YouTube just to say whatever, if it's helpful, if it's helpful. I'd like to hear back from you. Good luck and have fun getting to know your system and your parts.