My Inner Critic…
…Is driving me nuts!
How many times have you gotten stuck in a thought loop in which your critic (who sounds a lot like you—) is making a case for how badly you messed up? How unattractive you look? How stupid you sound?
What is the inner critic?
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), your inner critic is simply another part, a little pocket of consciousness inside your psyche, that learned to criticize you before anyone else could, thereby saving you from messing up and feeling further exposed.
Where does the inner critic come from?
Inner critics think they are helping you! In IFS language, that makes them protectors. I know—it’s often hard for my clients to understand how their critic learned to help them in this way, when their critical voice seems to undermine them at every opportunity. But these parts are typically proactive managers who make it their job to keep them in line, so that people around them don’t have anything to find fault with.
What are examples of inner critics?
Examples of inner critics include parts that say the following things: You’re stupid, so don’t even try. You’re too fat, no one will like you. You’re not worth taking care of. You’re weak, you can never do anything on your own. You’re lazy and always will be, so give up. You CANNOT MAKE A MISTAKE—they are not allowed! You’re unlikeable—just stay home. You’re disgusting, no one will every love you. And the list goes on…
How do I stop my inner critic?
This is an impulse nearly everyone has! But the key is actually to get to know your critic. In IFS therapy, we know that all parts are here for a reason, they all have a positive intention, and they are doing the best they can. In other words, might it be possible to turn towards your inner critic with curiosity, to find out how they learned to protect you the way they do? How long have they been doing this job? What they worry would happen if they stopped doing this job? The answers are often surprising.
Does the inner critic ever go away?
In my experience, once the vulnerable part that the critic is running interference for is healed (the exile), the critic gets more quiet, and may choose a constructive role in your system. For example, my inner perfectionist is now one who cheers me on to do a good job. It’s a helper, now that the 6 year-old they were protecting is free to be a happy, creative kid in my system.
How do I quiet my inner voices?
First, assume every voice is a part trying to help, and let it speak to you. Begin a dialogue with your inner voice by writing down everything it is saying. Then read it back to yourself out loud, and consider where it might have learned to speak the way it does. And try to be curious about how in might have been helpful to have that voice in your ear when you were a child or a young adult. You will notice that it will get quieter when it feels it is being listened to. Trust me on this one.
Also, if you are a clinician, Chris Burris runs a Critic Camp a few times a year, that you might find helpful. And I have learned a ton about critics from Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss’s book Freedom From Your Inner Critic.
